The cell was quite cool with just a hint of a breeze from the open window, he sat with his head in hands gently rocking back and forward his elbows set tight against the top surface of the old rustic desk. Somewhere on the fringes of his consciousness he heard the voice repeating his name gently over and over again, Mr Wonka, Mr Wonka, Mr Wonka, each time increasing in volume as it resonated on his brain. Slowly he lifted his hand requesting quiet; the voice more reassuring now asked if he was OK \u2013 he nodded \u2013 feeling more in control of his emotions he lifted his head to gaze at the face behind the voice. \u201cCan you tell us what happened?\u201d asked the voice, \u201cin your own time\u201d<\/p>\n
And so it began, \u201cIt was the song – can you imagine what it was like dozens of them, every waking minute of every hour of every day over and over and over again \u2013 that infernal song the words in the rhyme constantly changing but the droning beat going on and on and on. I cracked it\u2019s as simple as that\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cI had tried everything \u2013locking myself away, ear protectors, turning on radio 2 at full volume in the workshop but nothing could compete with that song. As a last resort I invested in a new front door from Timber Composite Doors one of the Windsor range as soon as it was installed I found some solitude \u2013 that 48mm of timber composite core does not just provide thermal insulation it has excellent sound reduction qualities.\u201d<\/p>\n
The voice interjected \u2013 \u201cSo if you found some solitude what made you crack\u201d<\/p>\n
Wonka continued \u201cthe quiet made it better in many ways, but worse in others \u2013 the song was so imprinted on my brain that even though I could actually not hear them singing \u2013 I was so conditioned to the song that it was constantly in my head and when I started to make up my own words I knew I was in big trouble. That\u2019s when I cracked \u2013 I gave the UL\u2019s -that\u2019s what I call them \u2013 their weekly instructions, why, I don\u2019t know they can run the place without me these days , had them stock up my home with all of my favourite chocolates and told them I was taking a few days off. After that I simply sat behind my new securely locked \u201cWindsor\u201d front door and ate and ate chocolate- all was fine until the third day when I started to hallucinate all I could see was UL\u2019s on the walls, running across the floor, looking in the windows and all the time singing – all I could hear was that song, can you possibly understand what that can do to the human brain \u2013 I believe I was screaming rather a lot.\u201d<\/p>\n
He sighed deeply, regaining control, less agitated he continued –<\/p>\n
\u201cYour average UL is a caring sole \u00a0but not the most intelligent and they knew something was wrong, they tried knocking and calling and texting and facebooking me \u2013 I ignored them all \u2013 that\u2019s when they got together and had a committee meeting and decided they had to get me out. \u201c<\/p>\n
\u201cIs that when you called us, Sir?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cPretty much \u2013 the UL\u2019s selected their biggest and strongest \u2013 who was not very big or very strong and as he tried to break down my new \u201cWindsor\u201d door believe it or not to encourage him in his efforts they sang \u2013 that song \u2013 louder and louder \u2013 that\u2019s when I made the call to yourselves.<\/p>\n
Wonka\u2019s head fell back in his hands \u2013<\/p>\n
The Voice continued \u201cpretty much a state of carnage when we got there \u2013 that UL had pretty much exhausted himself trying to break down your front door, why he did not do as we did and go round the back where you had left a window open is beyond us boys in blue – and another thing Sir why were they videoing the attempted break in\u201d<\/p>\n
Wonka raised his head again and wearily continued<\/p>\n
\u201cAs I said \u201ccaring but not the most intelligent of creatures\u201d but all UL\u2019s are born performers they all think they are stars in the making that\u2019s why they were videoing \u2013 you should see their collection it would keep your average multiplex going for generations.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cWill you be pressing charges Sir\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201c No, officer I have a better idea \u2013 the solitude of your cells has given me time to think \u2013 it must be possible to retrain the UL\u2019s I am going to get that guy Gareth Malone off The Choir<\/a>\u00a0 to come and re educate the UL\u2019s so they know more than one song. It goes without saying that the UL\u2019s are going to have their wages docked to pay for a new \u201cWindsor\u201d door from Timber Composite Doors, although I have been looking at their \u201cItalia collection\u201d and may opt for one of them as an alternative\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cBit more pricey, but we also like the look of the Italia collection\u201d said the voice, \u201cand what would you like us to do with the video Sir.\u201d<\/p>\n Wonka thought for a moment \u2013 \u201csend it to Timber Composite Doors maybe they can use it as a promotional video to demonstrate the strength of their doors.\u201d<\/p>\n And so exhibit \u201cA\u201d was passed on to Timber Composite Door and of course we did exactly as Wonka suggested \u2013 we used it as a promotional video to show the strength of our doors \u2013<\/p>\n Enjoy
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